


Broken

by FreyaRays



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Depressing, Gen, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 13:32:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7716628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaRays/pseuds/FreyaRays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Because my life needs more depressing fanfiction apparently</p>
    </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Because my life needs more depressing fanfiction apparently

Simon wanted to scream.  
He wanted to cry. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. He wanted the looks of pity to stop. He wanted magic back.  
He wanted the image of the Mage lying on the ground, suddenly and terribly still; to stop appearing every time he closed his eyes. He wanted his tail and wings gone, without any reminding marks surgically removing them would bring. For them to sink into his skin and melt away like they had before.  
Baz and Penny knew that he was still trying to live with what had happened. They knew that he struggled. They assumed that he was talking it out with his therapist; little did they know that he had stopped talking to that infernal woman months ago. They had worried about him enough.  
Penny was on a long-awaited trip to America and wouldn’t be back for another five days. Baz had talked about staying with him, but Simon had said that there was no need. That he didn’t need Baz there, he was fine on his own.  
Sometimes he really hated that he had gotten so good at lying.  
It didn’t really matter that Baz didn’t live with him anyway; he was there constantly, on the couch watching crappy television. It was like Simon couldn’t get rid of Baz. For a bit, with both Baz and Penny there for him, it was enough to keep the depression from soaking in too deep. Their laughter and banter made the world seem a little brighter. But nothing lasts forever.  
The nightmares were an ever-present horror. He knew that they all had them. He wondered if they started walking into reality. He felt himself drifting from his friends and their world. Some of the signs were painfully apparent of how he had been cut off from their life. Like when the gates refused to open to him at the Leavers Ball.  
But why would they? He didn’t matter anymore. He had failed to do what he was born to do, destroy the magical world. Not that he really wanted to in the first place. He loved magic and everything about it. He may have never loved his own, but the feeling of others magic was one of his favorite things. Which made him feel better and worse about losing his powers simultaneously.  
Simon wanted to cry. All he was doing staring at the ceiling with that stupid fucking knot of emotion in the back of his throat.  
That's all he had done for days, weeks, months. He needed to cry and he needed to grieve, but he couldn't. Maybe he thought crying was a weakness, maybe he didn't have the energy anymore. He didn't know how to get rid of it and it was slowly driving him insane.  
He was so tired.  
He could just swallow a handful of pills. Wash it down with some whiskey maybe.  
He turned his body so he could see the bright orange of the pill bottle, barely illuminated by the light coming in through the curtains.  
He could just stand up, walk over and shove all of the pills down his throat. There should be enough to kill him.  
Simon thought about Penny's reaction to finding him dead. Her horror, her crying.  
Simon thought about Baz how he would react. Blaming himself. Crying.  
He didn't want to hurt them. He really really didn't.  
But he was so tired.  
He didn't know how to fix this.  
Himself.  
It was driving him insane.  
The constant burning emotion, always just a little too cool to break through the sheet of numb.  
It had worn him out.  
He was done.  
Should he really only live for the sake of a few people?  
That didn't seem healthy for those few people. At all.  
Especially boyfriends.  
He loved Baz, and that was why he needed to go. Baz could do so much better than a magician who never really was a magician, and couldn’t even appreciate the love he was given properly.  
He sent Baz a text. “Carry on, Baz. I love you."  
He sent Penelope a text. “I love you, have fun with Micah.”  
Simon swung his legs off of his bed and stood at his dresser. He carefully pushed down on the child lock and poured the contents out on his hand.  
Twenty little blue pills stared up at him.  
He guessed that that would be enough, and using a half-full glass of water he began to take the pills one by one.  
Simon curled back into bed, all twenty pills swallowed.  
It was ironic really, that the person who talked Baz out of suicide was committing suicide.  
He thought about their reactions for the second time.  
Penny crying.  
Baz quiet.  
He wanted to say goodbye.  
He wanted one last kiss from Baz, one more time that Penny threw a pillow at them for flirting so much. One more hug, one more “Snow” or “Simon” to come out of Baz’s mouth. Simon wanted Penny to try and tutor him, even though they just ended up joking around. He wan-


End file.
